a friend of mine tried to sell his soul on ebay and the starter price was $10 and people were bidding on it but before anything happened ebay took it down and sent him an email explaining that if he was selling a soul that didn’t actually exist then it was against their policy and if he was selling a real soul then that is a human body part and it is also against their policy
consider: a Scrubs-esque dramedy but about lawyers instead of doctors
I am not talking something like Suits, because in Suits a lot of the comedy is derived from hijinks and wisecracking. nor am I talking about something like Boston Legal with the whole bunny-ears lawyer thing providing a lot of the jokes.
oh no. I mean stuff like “oh god what even is a pleading anyway I never did this in law school” and “please lord just let me wipe the smirk off of opposing counsel’s face” and “damnit patricia WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU NOT TO DO FOR THE GOOD OF YOUR CASE AND ALSO MY SANITY?”
I would Fite and Dye for a Brooklyn Nine-Nine style comedy about public defenders instead of cops.
ALL the satire about the System. ALL the frantic dashing between departments - it becomes a running joke that the protagonists can’t speak to each other when morning arraignments are happening, they have to dash past each other at full speed exchanging increasingly comedic shorthand. ALL of the Weird Cases that come up when you just have to stick your head out of the office door and shout BOB, the HORSE guy is back and they DENIED MY MOTION to allow the chihuaha in the courtroom!
I mean, this show wouldn’t even need to hire writers to make it bizarre, submissions from counties all over the country would just start pouring in.
and so much salt. SO much salt. One of the protagonists shows up with the client’s actual literal priest and fifteen eyewitnesses and the DA still refuses to dismiss.
YES PLEASE THIS, and also with a dash of like, you know how in Parks and Rec, the townspeople are just Like That? like the lady who gets upset because she drank the sprinkler water despite the sign saying not to? like That, but clients
“why did you violate the protective order against you?” “because my girlfriend called me and it made me upset, so I went to her house and punched her in the face and then kicked her dog. what was I supposed to do?” “NOT THAT! especially after I told you not to violate the protective order. no, actually, let me rephrase: I didn’t tell you not to violate the protective order, the judge told you not to violate the protective order because of that bit in there that says ‘if you violate this order, you go to FUCKING JAIL’.” “wow, you just don’t get how hard it is to not punch people in the face.” “oh, believe me, I am intimately and immediately familiar with that struggle.”
YESSSSSSS YES YES YES. the spirit of sprinkler lady is an eternal struggle and embodies exactly what I neeeeeed:
An ongoing list of recurring Client characters in [as yet unnamed Public Interest Law Show]:
In One Ear, Out The Other (alternatively: I Showed Up To My Drug DUI Arraignment In A Bong T-shirt)
the Sovereign Citizen (no, you actually don’t have a fundamental right to do that, and the cops Will GET YOU)
the Better Lawyer Than You (because Google is totally the same as a J.D., right?)
the Flirt (you’re literally in an orange jumpsuit behind glass for violating a restraining order, please STOP)
Your Anger Is Reasonable, But That Doesn’t Make You Any Easier To Deal With (please stop screaming, or the front desk will call security on us again)
The Scary One (please understand that when I smile, I’m trying to be friendly and professional and I am NOT laughing at you)
The Heartbreaker (catchall client for the ones who are getting screwed over repeatedly by the system but your office isn’t resourced/designed/allowed to give them the help they need)
An ongoing list of recurring Opposing Counsel characters:
Tired Old White Man In Wrinkled Suit (bonus wild tie)
Tired Old Person Who Still Finds Time To Be Demeaning To You (tries for parental vibe, actually is condescending)
That One Kid You Hated In Law School (got the internship the same time you did. This is a three-episode arc for one of the protags)
Rich Whippersnapper Who Looks Down On Poors (dresses better than you, never quite makes eye contact)
I feel the Better Lawyer Than You Client in my soul. and just to add to the Opposing Counsel Cast List:
How Did You Get This Job When You’re So Bad At It (with bonus Imposter Syndrome on the order of “if they’re that bad and still have a job, I must also be that bad”)
The For-Profit Lawyers (swans into court whenever they want, files whatever they want, constantly and undeservedly smug. bonus points if they’re from The City)
The Fool for A Client (says they’re going to represent themselves, proceeds to look stupid in front of the judge and everyone else, and you, protagonist, have to try to negotiate with them like a reasonable person)
also, there is a running gag that we only ever see one court clerk (whose name is Brenda), but she is played by a different actress wearing the same costume and hairstyle every time we see her (sometimes switching actresses inexplicably between shots).
this blew up a little bit and I’m getting two different responses:
1. “actually this is exactly like [other legal media property]”
2. “I AM A LAWYER. I HAVE WAITED NINE MILLION YEARS TO SPILL ALL OF THE FUCKING TEA AND MY MOMENT HAS COME.”
I want the title of this series to be my *favorite* client title for us…
Public Pretender
Coming this fall
Supporting cast for the protagonist cast:
The Bartender: The wisest person in the show, somehow he’s on first-name basis with all the judges and knows what’s going on in the prosecutor teams somehow.
The Delivery Guys: From the closest pizza joints and subway shop, they pop in an out of the office at random times, will give rides to the protagonist cast.
The cat: Nobody knows where it came from, will try to maul cops wandering in from the street. Always shows up when someone is sad.
cannot stress enough the importance of having a bucket in your house. a big plastic bucket. helps with housework. helps with morale. get yourself a bucket today
I do not have a bucket and this makes me more sad than the inexorable passage of time in an universe almost hostile in its indifference to life.
Jane Austen really said ‘I respect the “I can fix him” movement but that’s just not me. He’ll fix himself if knows what’s good for him’ and that’s why her works are still calling the shots today.
Meanwhile Emily Brönte just said “We can make each other worse.”
This is a genre of content that I love. There’s one where a woman throws trash back into a guy’s car and keeps walking, and when he starts to get out of the car, a guy walking with a girl in the opposite direction slams the driver’s door shut and does the same finger wagging thing. I could watch these all day.
Found it
There’s one of a little boy doing the same, and his dad just, donkey kicks the door closed when the dude tries to get out of the car. WHILE PUSHING A BABY STROLLER!
Actually, no joke, the marachino cherries you put on sundaes really aren’t red. They’re made from cherries like the Queen Anne variety, which are yellow and pink. They are dyed red.
Yes. With the blood of ferrets.
Fact I didn’t just make up, it’s often with insect-derived dyes, which is why some brands are not kosher.
i would literally never play this game again if that happened to me
What the fuck just happened?
A slaughter.
The strategy is called FEAR. Basically, the Ratata has a focus Sash on, so when the enemy hits the level 1 Ratata, it’ll survive with one HP left. The Ratata uses Endeavor on that turn, which brings the opponent’s HP to 1 too. Unless the enemy also has a Speed ignoring move, Ratata’s quick attack will go first, chipping that last HP off. FEAR is generally understood as Focus sash Endeavor, quick Attack Ratata, but could also be known by Fucking Evil Attack Ratata.
People really out here not knowing about FEAR, smh
For the longest time I thought FEAR was the video game series.
We were so, so very wrong.
Speed (1994) incorrectly credits Jan De Bont as director. Speed did not have any director, because if Speed had any direction, it would’ve been called Velocity
HELP I ACCIDENTALLY STARTED A PRESIDENTIAL CONSPIRACY
I MADE THIS WEBSITE LIKE 6 YEARS AGO ITS FAKE
EVERYTHING ON IT IS FAKE
I MADE IT ALL UP
AND NOW???????
I DID THIS????? THIS VERIFIED FB WOMAN WANTED TO BELIEVE JAMES BUCHANAN THE 15TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES REALLY RAISED PYGMY GOATS IN THE WHITE HOUSE ROSE GARDEN??????
AND NOW??????????
SOMEONE HAS PUBLISHED IT?????????????????????? IT COSTS REAL MONEY???????????? NONE OF THE FACTS ARE REAL SOMEONE HELP ME
someone made a prezi
someone informed a classroom that James Buchanan was first choice over Sacagawea
I know it’s so bad like how did this happen I just cannot believe
All I can say is that I couldn’t ask for a better representation of the American education system tbh
Okay but like…Gail Collins is not just a “verified Facebook woman”. She’s a columnist for the New York Times.
You literally trolled over a million people.
I A M D Y I N G
oh god, this is fantastic.
history is written by shitposters
Historians are gonna be so confused in a few decades.
Reblogging to encourage skepticism and responsible information sharing, because good grief people.
We were so, so very wrong.
